This Christmas is hormone-filled, thanks to our old friend’s perimenopause, menopause, and postmenopause. Pour yourself a cup of spiked eggnog and sing along with me. (To the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)

🎶 On the first day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
One parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the second day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Two brain farts,
And one parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the third day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree.🎶

🎶 On the fourth day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the fifth day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear. 🎶

🎶 On the sixth day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Six urinary leaks,
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the seventh day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Seven bones a-aching,
Six urinary leaks,
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the eighth day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Eight sweats a-drenching,
Seven bones a-aching,
Six urinary leaks,
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the ninth day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Nine pelvic floors crashing,
Eight sweats a-drenching,
Seven bones a-aching,
Six urinary leaks,
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the tenth day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Ten moods a-swing’n,
Nine pelvic floors crashing,
Eight sweats a-drenching,
Seven bones a-aching,
Six urinary leaks,
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two bain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the eleventh day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Eleven sleepless nights,
Ten moods a-swing’n,
Nine pelvic floors crashing,
Eight sweats a-drenching,
Seven bones a-aching,
Six urinary leaks,
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes burning,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

🎶 On the twelfth day of Christmas, menopause gave to me:
Twelve skipping heartbeats,
Eleven sleepless nights,
Ten moods a-swing’n,
Nine pelvic floors crashing,
Eight sweats a-drenching,
Seven bones a-aching,
Six urinary leaks,
Five pounds a gaining!
Four hot flashes raging,
Three chin hairs plucking,
Two brain farts,
And a parched vagina in a pear tree. 🎶

Here’s to all the brave souls navigating the rollercoaster of menopause during the jolliest time of year! May your spirits remain high, your fans be powerful, and your company be understanding. Merry Christmas, and cheers to embracing the change! 🎄🔥🥂