On the 12th Day of Christmas, My Hormones Said to Me…

This Christmas, it’s a hormone-filled holiday, thanks to our old friend’s perimenopause and menopause. Pour yourself a cup of spiked eggnog and sing along with me.

On the first day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: a bladder bursting with pee.

On the second day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the third day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: six chin hair sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: ten words a-bleeping, nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: eleven women griping, ten words a-bleeping, nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my hormones gave to me: twelve drenching hot flashes, eleven grumpy women, ten words a-bleeping, nine sexless nights, eight thoughts a-missing, seven tears a-brimming, six chin hairs sprouting, five months of bloating, four extra inches, three big zits, two tender breasts and a bladder bursting with pee.

And, for those of you who celebrate Chanukah, please substitute these lyrics for the familiar “I Have a Little Dreidel”:

I have a hormone problem, I shvitz and shvitz all day

Never dry just sweaty, I shvitz and shvitz. Oy vey!

Curse you menopause, I hate how much I weigh.
Be gone menopause, how long must you stay?

I had a lovely body, with abs and hips so thin.
Now I’m round and tired, hormones, I guess you win.

Curse you menopause, my hair is turning gray.
Be gone menopause, how long must you stay?

My body once was playful; it loved to romp in bed.

Now nighttime is for peeing – my sex life seems it’s dead.

Curse you menopause, my mind it now does stray.
Be gone menopause, how long must you stay?

Suffering in silence is OUT! Laughing is IN!