Menopause Mondays: The Twelve Days of Christmas, Menopause- Style

Since the holiday season means getting together and partying with friends and family who may be going through “the change” (*cringe*) themselves, I thought it would be fun to reinvent the Twelve Days of Christmas. Who needs a partridge in a pear tree, two turtledoves, or five golden rings? Well, maybe that last one…

What I’m offering you is The Twelve Days of Christmas, Menopause-Style. Use this as a tool to share with friends, while you both stand barefoot in the snow, trying to cool off while simultaneously hoping that your twenty-something neighbour doesn’t catch you. Laughter might be your best defense against the possibility of such encounters as the line-budger, the road-rager, the last-20-pound-turkey-grabber, or your husband who is annoyingly as crisp and cool as a cucumber, despite the fact he was just cutting firewood…

*Ahem!*

1. On the first day of Christmas, my true love (some might say vodka, but whatever) gave to me: a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the seventh day of day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: ten pairs of earplugs, nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eleven pills for sleeping, ten pairs of earplugs, nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

1. On the twelve day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: twelve aphrodisiacs, eleven pills for sleeping, ten pairs of earplugs, nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers…four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee…

*Whew!*

Happy holidays, everyone! How many more verses can YOU come up with?

Remember: Reaching out is IN! Suffering in silence is OUT!